Hitch

I am not sure what to say. I've been having quite a whirl of it lately, almost all of it good. Today, though, I got let down rather suddenly and I'm just shaking my head at it, because I don't understand.

Yes, I'm being cryptic. I don't really want to talk about details.

It goes without saying, after so many years' experience with the vagaries of the human race, that I'll be fine, and I'll probably only be upset for a little while. That's not the point, though. The point is, or was, that I was finally enjoying myself. I was feeling that I deserved to be happy, to have good things and good people and good work.

And I was enjoying that brief flush of feeling rewarded for the incredibly hard work I've been doing. And so this feels like perhaps a bigger slap in the face that it would appear on the surface.

I went to a party yesterday, and I talked to people who were sort of out of my league, or at least out of my field of experience, and you know, I did fine. I managed to find some way to chat to each of them, even though I didn't find them all equally enjoyable or interesting. I felt that I'd been pleasant company, and I enjoyed being there.

Tonight I had a harder time, out with a friend and her coworkers. I needed to go and be there rather than at home feeling rejected in my apartment, but I wasn't really up to it. But again, I think I did alright. The people were nice; their business had just been robbed, so they were all a bit upset about life, too, and maybe nobody was expecting too much.

It was okay, but it wasn't as great as what I'd been expecting from tonight. I'd been expecting light and air and play and passion. And honestly, I need light and air and play and passion. So, universe, if you're listening, please bring it on again. I'm ready.