April 2010 Archives

I've been a M*A*S*H* watcher for as long as I can remember. So long that I am pretty sure I've really seen every episode they ever made, most of them repeatedly.

There was a sense the whole time, especially toward the end, that everyone was holding their collective breaths till peacetime, and that when it came, something special was going to happen with Hawkeye. What it was, no one knew, least of all Hawkeye. But I never quite believed him when he claimed he would simply exult, party, speed away in gleeful, unencumbered relief.

I felt that he'd never be able to get away from what those years had done to him, and that he'd feel like he was missing a limb to be parted from those friends, those comrades in his brutal, incessant fight against death.

By the time the end came, I was proven righter than I really would have liked.

He'd broken down and was in an asylum trying to collect enough pieces of himself to be put back into his M*A*S*H* unit. He was frail, something he'd never shown evidence of before, even in those moments where he'd show some pain.

He did make it out, of the asylum, and then out of Korea, but we weren't sure at all how he was going to be, afterward. And I suppose that is only right. What we really wanted to see, which was never (of course) going to happen, was him and BJ flying away together, brothers. Because we knew that even in his Maine paradise Hawkeye was going to feel like he'd lost his twin.

I bring this up because I recently found myself making a large leap towards something I've always wanted to do. Not just something, the thing. And I find that, like Hawkeye, I'm not able to simply exult, party, and speed toward it in gleeful unencumbered relief.

Too much has gone before, perhaps. It's been too long a battle, and I am not certain if I still possess the ability to believe in it, to take it in. I'm damn well going to try, because I do believe (or 85% of my self does) that I deserve to have it, to do and be what and who I want to be.

But the battlescars are not insubstantial, and they are not pretty.

I know I'm not the only one who has trouble taking in good things, believing and accepting them without looking for the hidden catch.

Somehow that doesn't make it any easier to grow out of that bad habit.

I've gotten so much better at imagining good things for myself instead of disasters. I've even gotten good at believing I deserve them - some days.

But when I get such a cluster as has happened lately, I start wringing my hands a little. What's next, what's next, I say, in my White Rabbit voice.

It's especially hard when there's another person on the other end. When there's clearly a connection that's unusual, and we keep looking at each other funny but nobody wants to say anything about it, other than "Hi," with a rather dreamy look.

He did something really nice for me yesterday, and it was wonderful, and I did my best to just take it in and enjoy it, and not get nervous. But there were those moments, later, where I just didn't know what to do.

What do you do when somebody does something really nice, just because he wants to? I said thank you, of course. I smiled and let him know how much I appreciated it. But there it was, a long juicy stalk of something, with an invisible bud on the end that nobody can talk about, and I can barely look at in my own mind.

I have no idea what to say, other than that I have an amazing opportunity, for which I must write a proposal, and I am having the worst time of it.

I think it's because it's something I want so badly, and as some of you know, I am sorely unaccustomed to getting what I want.

It's crucial for me to believe that I deserve it, and I'm getting better at that, but the difficulty I've been having writing this thing suggests that there's still work to be done on that score.

I am not sure what to do to break the ice. It's like a scrim in my brain, between me, where I currently am in life, and this thing that I've wanted all my life.

I tried taking a day off and going someplace pretty.

I tried drinking a beer (or three).

I tried getting outta the house and riding for a bit.

I tried various forms of play and socializing.

I tried downtime alone.

I tried parking myself at the altar of the laptop and sacrificing sheepguts.

I tried overeating, two days in a row (ugh).

I tried knitting.

I tried plowing through it in extra-rough, downright corrugated draft form.

Nope. Nothing's working. Nothing's working and I have a scant 18 hours left. Oy.

Sometimes when you have a lot of work to do, your body just takes over and makes you play instead.

Today was one of those days. I got on my bike with only a vague destination in mind, and found myself just following my feelings (like Luke).

The feelings apparently wanted to meet up with a cute boy and ride to Coney Island.

Nice choice.

The last time I took pics at Coney, I had the Nikon with me, and the results were of the prize-winning variety. Really, really nice shots.

This time, it was just coming on dusk as we arrived, and we first had to entertain ourselves by riding the scary old rollercoaster (primarily scary for me, as I am not the greatest coaster rider, and this one is a whiplash-fest).

So by the time I got my little dinghy out there wasn't much natural light to speak of.

And yet, I really like the results of the neon plus greying sky.

There's something about Coney Island that is hard to describe. It's a little seedy and a little gleeful and a little hokey and a little slice of the past.

You look at it, at those lights on the Wonder Wheel, and something twists a little in your gut, and you think, now there is something.

It's not quite like anywhere else, and you can understand how people get nostalgic about it.

It's the kind of place that makes you nostalgic the first time you go there, for a past that was never yours to begin with.

PS. Click for bigger.

Some days you don't even have time for a quickie, and this whole week has been like that. But I thought I ought to catch you up on a few items.

a) The hitch is unhitched.
b) I believe I have never had quite so much fun in my life.
c) That goes for work, too.
d) It rained and rained last night. Sounded like a giant was peeing in the street all night long.
e) My new favorite object is my 4gb flashdrive, which cost me all of $14 and is cherry red, to boot.
f) Miz Fury calls flashdrive file transfer the "sneakernet." Isn't that a great term?
g) Have I mentioned that I really, really like having a beautiful boy in my bed as often as possible? Oh lordy lordy lordy.

I am not sure what to say. I've been having quite a whirl of it lately, almost all of it good. Today, though, I got let down rather suddenly and I'm just shaking my head at it, because I don't understand.

Yes, I'm being cryptic. I don't really want to talk about details.

It goes without saying, after so many years' experience with the vagaries of the human race, that I'll be fine, and I'll probably only be upset for a little while. That's not the point, though. The point is, or was, that I was finally enjoying myself. I was feeling that I deserved to be happy, to have good things and good people and good work.

And I was enjoying that brief flush of feeling rewarded for the incredibly hard work I've been doing. And so this feels like perhaps a bigger slap in the face that it would appear on the surface.

I went to a party yesterday, and I talked to people who were sort of out of my league, or at least out of my field of experience, and you know, I did fine. I managed to find some way to chat to each of them, even though I didn't find them all equally enjoyable or interesting. I felt that I'd been pleasant company, and I enjoyed being there.

Tonight I had a harder time, out with a friend and her coworkers. I needed to go and be there rather than at home feeling rejected in my apartment, but I wasn't really up to it. But again, I think I did alright. The people were nice; their business had just been robbed, so they were all a bit upset about life, too, and maybe nobody was expecting too much.

It was okay, but it wasn't as great as what I'd been expecting from tonight. I'd been expecting light and air and play and passion. And honestly, I need light and air and play and passion. So, universe, if you're listening, please bring it on again. I'm ready.