Hovering

Do you ever find yourself learning the same lessons, over and over and over again? I mean, it isn't even exactly re-learning them, but trying repeatedly to learn them in the first place.

Today's lesson: coping with uncertainty. Okay, not just coping but learning to hover right above it, to be at peace with it, and maybe even to enjoy it.

I'm not saying all kinds of uncertainty should be enjoy-able (as in, something that can be enjoyed, rather than something that is automatically delightful). Fiscal uncertainty sucks.

But uncertainty about this boy or that boy liking you or not liking you, and uncertainty about your own feelings toward him, well, that seems like it ought to have some element of pleasure about it.

I've tried and tried to enjoy the grey area. Or rather, the brightly colored area, the haze of uncertainty in which the air can seem to be dancing with motes of electrical energy, with a look in his eyes or yours that might or might not mean something is going on between you. And you just don't know. And moreover, you don't even know if you want it to mean something.

I woke up this morning thinking, oh I'm glad I didn't tell him yesterday that I have a crush on him, because now I am not certain whether I do. I mean, I kind of do. But then, there are so many cute boys in the world - just look at them all. All those boys on all those bikes, and they are all flirting with me, and we are all going to ride down to the beach together. And there we will play in the sand and pretend, for a day, that there's no reason for anyone on earth to have a care other than, perhaps, frisbee, and wondering if the water's too cold yet for swimming.

So I had this great day, despite the uncertainty, and though the uncertainty was a tiny bit painful, it might have also been a bit delicious. Does he or doesn't he? Somebody hand me a daisy and I will find out.

Or I will just wear the daisy in my hair and think, He might. He might not.

PS. Nikon. Click for bigger.