Fickle

My heart changes so rapidly that I sometimes wonder who's driving this thing.

Yes, I am madly juggling. Yes, that's been a charming change of pace - though not as consistent as one might hope. There are availability issues with both of them.

There are also issues of sorting out which underlying feelings, if any, are which. And which are just free-floating trouble looking for a place to roost.

I never trust myself in these matters.

I suppose that sounds unnecessarily harsh, but you see, I have a propensity to get, as one online dating personality test put it with uncanny (and annoying) accuracy, "sudden and ferocious crushes" that strike without warning and tend to leave me hanging upside down wondering what happened and who made the world suddenly flip on its axis, and hey, can anybody help me figure out which way my feet are supposed to be pointing?

It reminds me, somehow, of lying on the big rocks atop my favorite mountain, and looking downwards into the sky and having this tremendous, delirious, and rather scary feeling of vertigo as my whole being tries to figure out what to do with the whole up-is-downness of it all.

I went for a bike ride today with one of the boys, who is a friend, and I wanted so badly to take him home with me, or at least kiss him, and it just wasn't happening, and I am disappointed.

I don't know whether it's just because I want something that goes in that place that's all woken up and clamoring for attention, or that I've been spending a lot of time with him recently and have discovered that, to my surprise, I like him.

I like him and I am finding him rather cute all of a sudden. And he's not that boy about whom you've heard at length; he's the other one. The nicer one.

What the frack I am supposed to do about it - if anything - I have no clue. Hold my breath, I guess. I ran in the water like a big dog at the beach, with my heavy bike bag on my back, and he was not melted by this, so perhaps it is a forlorn hope.

Because even the blonde couldn't resist the happy dog move.

PS. Pocketcam + golden hour, in case you were wondering.