Self Portrait Sharp
Well, I don't know what to tell ya. I was looking at Shannon's excellent review of a mediocre (-sounding) book, and she casually drops a Deep Thought into the fray and moves along with her review, leaving me standing there with my mouth open, going "Hunh. 
That completely ties into the weird swirl that's been growling around in my gut the last few days."
I am not sure how to describe the full swirl. Let's start with Shan's insight. The question of whether everyone (or anyone) has a soulmate.
Which led me to wonder whether anyone would have the idea that there ought to be "somebody out there who's perfect for me" (to quote or near-quote an actual online dating ad that came on TV while I was working this evening), if we hadn't been brainwashed to think in these terms from early childhood.
I recently added some language to my online profile that makes it patently clear that I don't particularly want to or expect to get married, and that I certainly don't want to procreate.
I don't think that's why I haven't been getting any dates in the last month or two, and I hope that's not why there seems to be a longer-than-usual delay in my profile being approved (it's been days - what is their fucking problem?), but again, it gives me to think.
Specifically:
1. Do I really mean that?
2. Do people see that as some kind of sign of pessimism?
3. Is there anything wrong with thinking that I might be really quite happy if I just date or even have a boyfriend, without attaching some kind of lifelong, earth-shattering significance to it?
4. I need a haircut.
I think you're onto something there, by the way - that we are brainwashed into the expectation of a perfect match.
I was thinking about a similar thing the other day - I have this weird expectation that there will be some kind of storybook ending. That the loose ends I've left in my life will somehow come around full circle and be tied up in the end. That even though A, B, and C events in my life didn't work out the way Disney would have written them, that just means that X, Y, and Z will be even more beautiful and fulfilling when THEY DO WORK OUT.
Thick as ten planks.
I was standing in the middle of the garden when I realised that it was all a hollow lie...for the first time in my whole life. Thirty-four years of not even knowing that I was, you know, jacked into the matrix. I can't believe I went that long without the moment of truth, but I did.
And the worst thing is knowing that, given a little time, I will forget the epiphany and go back to my happy, idealistic expectations. And, no doubt, have to learn the lesson all over again.
Because we can't change our nature, and I am a dreamer.
Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with being a dreamer, I think. John Lennon would approve. But I'd rather be dreaming dreams that I knew were mine, and not culturally (or familially) imposed.
See? The matrix. It's got me.