The Seeker

I've been thinking lately about love - not so much the state itself as the desire for it. Being in love is very nearly like Lt. Commander Data's description of friendship:

"As I experience certain sensory input patterns, my mental pathways become accustomed to them. The inputs are eventually anticipated, and even missed when absent."

Which is to say, if one spends enough time in close proximity to another human being, one will either end up hating them or loving them.

But the desire for love, the deep yearning for it, may contain any number of things. In my case, a large chunk of it is the desire to be seen, and also to have someone to show things to. I want to be able to point to all of the things that set off a harmonic vibration in my strings during a given day, and say, "Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!"

Of course, having a camera is helpful for that kind of thing, too, and there are certainly other people to whom one can show things. But there is something about being able to have a person who is close to you in that particular way see what you are seeing, or at least see their own interpretation of it, and maybe talk to you about what they see in it, and then the two of you get off onto a tangent having to do with all the pieces of the universe that swim in your respective brains like great shining fish - well, that is love, for me. Or that is what I look for.

I can't say that I've exactly found it, ever.

Bits and pieces, from time to time. Little ends and suggestions and scraps of it. Boywich was more cerebral than that, and too depressed, much of the time, to go all the way there with me. And maybe just not built that way. A few others before him happened on little instances of it, but for the most part those dances were about expectations of each other, and potentials unfulfilled or not even possible.

I am not saying that I expect to find this kind of thing "next," or maybe ever. But I am writing it down as a sort of birthday request unto the universe, in case it might be asking me what I'd like this year.