Pining, A Bit

I am lonely a lot lately, which is weird because although I live and work alone, I don't always get the big big pangs for human contact. So I wonder if there is some particular thing I am missing. And if I could even put my finger on it.

I suspect it is love, but I am - well, suspicious of that whole equation - that if one is lonely, one must be wanting someone to love and be loved by. I think that whole cultural concept is flawed, that it's cover for something else. Something less effable (if I may butcher "ineffable" in that manner) and deeper into the core of what humans want, need, and/or seek out and mostly fail to find.

Or maybe I am just shying away from examining my own feelings more closely by trying to make it all about some big universal human need that no one has bothered to properly explore.

A little from column A, a little from column B, I suspect.

Anyhooo. Yes, lonely. Coltrane not helping. Cat asleep (what else is new?) and not helping much when she is awake, though I expect it'd be worse without her. Not wanting to do the work I have in front of me. Feeling semi-motivated to do creative work instead, but once I put that aside to wait until my other work is done, well, you know what happens. The time, she vanishes.

I am also struggling a bit with myself because I am inclined to feel depressed and discouraged by the knee thing, and to be afraid (very afraid) that I have just queered my chances for enjoying my new bike.

Also, a report from some x-rays indicates that my tailbone is not in such good shape after all, and I have to start a new round of PT for that, too. Which also makes me nervous re: bike. I have a lot invested in that bike - much of it emotional (though a not insignificant financial investment), and I really really REALLY need it all to work out, and to be able to ride it and ride it until my lungs turn blue throughout the spring and summer and fall and for the rest of my life ad infinitum.

Please!